This one is for you if you’ve stuck with an unfulfilling relationship or a deadening job.
Why are you afraid to end it?
I have firsthand knowledge of this fear. I used to be a not-think-about-the-hard-things kind of guy. So I stayed in a less than fruitful marriage nine years too long. Then I stayed with two other unfulfilling relationships three and four years too long.
I used to lie to myself doggedly insisting that my optimism would pull things out and all would be well.
But I was afraid.
• I was afraid to be alone.
• I was afraid to put myself out there once more.
• I was afraid that splitting up would cost too much in emotional pain, hardship and money.
• I was afraid that I’d never meet someone who would love and respect me for who I am.
Fear bolsters a belief in scarcity so much that it blinds us to seeing abundant possibilities.
But here’s the raw truth. All those fears are lies.
Whether it’s romance or work the quality of any relationship is measured by the distance or nearness of connection in that relationship.
Deliberately staying in a draining relationship (of any kind) is the epitome of self-dishonor. You know the quality of connection in all of your relationships.
So if this applies to you please ask yourself.
For what reasons am I really staying in this deadening existence if I know it’s killing my spirit?
It’s hard to love yourself when you are not honoring yourself. So before you end it – get really clear. Your inner wisdom is waiting to guide you.
Begin by telling the whole truth to yourself about all of your relationships. Even if you are the only one who hears this truth it will eventually snowball and set you free.
In my 19th year of coaching, I’m still amazed how few of us refuse to settle in matters of romantic love and true calling.
The two areas that are capable of giving the purest joy and fulfillment are the very life areas where we deny ourselves the most. For a good while, I also was in denial so I understand all the made up reasons that we give for not vulnerably going for what we want.
But the truth is we are individuals, wonderfully weird and wacky in ways that only we know.
Our individuality comes alive via heartfelt expression and dies when we pretend or act like we don’t care.
I’m not sure at this point where I’m going with this. You’ll probably find it to be a more personal message than usual.
At 67 years wise I know this to be true. There is nothing like the rush of whole-hearted energy when amorous feelings are offered in the full knowledge that they may or may not be reciprocated.
It’s the openness and willingness to express fearlessly that nurtures individuality. The results returned by others really don’t matter when it comes to this level of sincerity.
It’s wonderful how life really works. When we totally honor who we are in one important area we are relentlessly nudged to do so in every important area.
Presently I’m once more swimming in the delightfully engaging waters of online dating. This time around I am engaging with a fully open heart.
• No more fearful appropriateness.
• No more games with myself. (If I’m not playing them with myself I’m incapable of being disingenuous with others.)
• No more deciding on my choices based on what anyone else might think.
• No more hesitation and no more holding back, at all.
It occurred to me that my approach is also applicable to discovering and building a true-calling-based business.
The love I have (and haven’t always expressed to my clients) for courageous individuals who are open and willing to honor themselves is bubbling over my previous containers of professional restraint. It’s not a romantic love of course, but the spiritual and emotional aspects of it are remarkably similar.
In matters of love and vocation, you’re being called to enjoy something special that only you can in the way only you can.
Settling for anything less than complete fulfillment signals to the Universe that you aren’t yet ready for the full-blown blissful experience. Some of you are denying yourself true love and others of you are denying yourself true calling.
If you’re waiting for something on the outside to change before diving in – it may never come.
Readiness and right timing are both mental constructs designed to sustain your status quo. Not a bad thing if you like where you are. But if you don’t who are you kidding?
No matter how rational your caution appears to be – know that you made it up to stay in what you think is a safe place.
But caution isn’t alive. It’s deadening because it’s a lie. Caution is created only in the head and love is heartfelt.
Love is what you came here for, both vocationally and romantically. No matter what your fears and imagined restraints there is a way for you to claim what is rightfully yours.
If you really want to end the misery of settling apply here. We’ll talk it over thoroughly so you can feel the coming attraction of right livelihood or the love that comes from being adored for who you truly are. Your choice.
When you choose to be the author of your own life you have greater access to the wisdom that was meant for you.
Genuine authority is only found within. Authentic, authority and author all share the same word root. The origin of authentic is authoritative, which means acting as one’s own authority. That’s exactly the self-acclaimed credibility that you need to declare as a solo practitioner who chooses to be the author of your own life.
You are your own best authority. You know what works best for you and what doesn’t. Even though it may feel more comforting to receive validation from another, your best bet, by far is to trust yourself.
To be the author of your own life is to courageously make the choices that are aligned with who you are.
If you’ve been doubting yourself and going through a crisis of self-confidence chances are you’ve not been following your own true path. The authority to do so can’t be given; it can only be claimed by you.
“I have as much authority as the Pope; I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” — George Carlin
Like many of Carlin’s best lines, he wasn’t really kidding. In the design and authoring of your own life, you have more authority and greater wisdom than any recognized authority.
Without recognition of your own authority, you have not really accepted responsibility. Without responsibility, you don’t have dominion, power, or the prerogative to call your own shots. In this sorry state, you might as well remain a victim blaming everything and everyone else for the fate you created.
Certifications and educational degrees are sometimes necessary but the bottom line is that these kinds of outside-in validation are just someone else telling you what’s right for you.
Everyone needs to question authority because bureaucratic organizations rarely have our best interests at heart. Outside validation often causes you to compare yourself to what others have done.
Comparing you to others while at the same time caring too much about what others think is a painful, inauthentic way of living.
Your success is not dependent on the government, the economy or any other outside authority. Your success is up to you and that’s a good thing.
Along with that responsibility, comes your ability and authority to write the script of your own life.
You’re writing it anyway, whether you’re aware of it or not. Might as well add some intentionality to your script and author the life that you most want to live. Begin by applying here.
What if you already are blessed with Universal wisdom and empowered to be all that you hope to be? Universal wisdom is innate wisdom that’s the same as Divine Intelligence. You can tap into this wisdom and claim your rightful b place among the empowered.
“You can’t outperform your state of mind. Confident is something you naturally are when you aren’t doing anything else in your head.” Mara Gleason
But how often are our minds clear of thought? Simply allowing thoughts to flow freely in and out of our minds is best practice for achieving the mental state of peak performance because when not engaged in thinking inherent universal wisdom can unfold.
Infinite Intelligence cannot bless you with innate wisdom while your mind is clogged with thought.
You’ve experienced a bolt of inspiration right out of the blue, haven’t you? When does it most often come? When you aren’t otherwise engaged in thinking I bet. Universal timing isn’t up to us. The only thing we can do is pre-pave the way by clearing our minds.
Wisdom comes out of the blue and it also comes from a change in perspective. One of the hallmarks of my work with clients is to insist that they honor the agreements that they make with themselves.
Honoring accountability works in two ways.
1. The completion builds confidence while releasing over-thinking.
2. The change in perspective invites insights that you couldn’t previously see without honoring the agreement.
Insights since come directly from Universal wisdom and often carry an expansive energy that builds momentum. So just by keeping an agreement, you put yourself in a position to invite unconditioned wisdom.
Blessings already are and always have been there waiting for your acceptance of them.
However, blessings must be received, embraced and energetically felt in order to be activated. Recognition and activation of your blessings are the antidote to self-judgment.
The blessing of unique contribution acts as a true north compass point for vocational opportunities.
Your core contribution is your lightest and most joyful self-awareness of your ideas, energetic expressions, and creations that uplift you and inspire others.
To be blessed without fully utilizing the blessing is like having a cow you refuse to milk. For a blessing to be received it must be appreciated, acknowledged and allowed to develop in the form that would be of greatest value to you and humanity. Your contribution is a gift that must be first received before it can be expressed in service to others.
Are you fully receiving this powerful blessing? Every woman and man has the given capacity to feel fully alive in work and in life.
If Divine favor has been invoked on your behalf then who are you to refuse this gift?
When you refuse to receive blessings not only do you block the bounty that could be yours but you also build a wall that keeps prosperity out for those who especially need your special contribution.
What if everything in your life could move from struggle to phenomenal simply by accepting, acknowledging and choosing to live according to your blessings?
The blessing of unique contribution is a twofold blessing: (1) It promises that you are uniquely equipped with the capacity to discover and deliver a unique idea that is your special contribution to humanity. (2) It also promises that you can bring this idea forth and monetize it as your true calling based business.
If you weren’t capable of bringing forth this desire then you would never have recognized the idea in the first place.
Desire for anything is the thing itself in incipiency; that is, the thing you want is not only for you, but has already been started toward you out of the heart of God; and it is the first approach of that thing itself striking you, that makes you desire it, or even think of it at all. Emily Cady
This desire you have – to be free to call your own shots – to be rewarded for simply being you – to be totally alive in your work – do you get that it’s already on its way to you? Do you get that your desires are as unique as your ability to bring them into existence?
If that’s the case it would be pretty silly to continue to search for answers outside of your own knowing.
Your given power to be unique in the marketplace is your special contribution to humanity.
Humanity awaits the expression of your unique talents, gifts, and blessings. When you’re ready to fully acknowledge them and act upon them, all manner of joy, fulfillment, and prosperity comes forth as well.
The pursuit of true calling and true love are the biggest decisions in one’s life and it’s amazing to me how most of us never answer either call.
You can settle for less than you know is possible or pretend that you don’t even want to go for it. Having done both over the years I don’t know which is more damaging to the spirit.
If you’re settling or if you’ve given up in one of these areas you may not want to keep reading because considering these deeper truths is uncomfortable and we were taught to run from hurt and discomfort. But if you’ve been reading me then you know that discomfort is a gift for you to see more clearly.
It’s far more honorable to pursue these callings and fall short than it is to never expose your heart to the vulnerabilities of deep fulfillment and connection.
From the viewpoint of making the right decision for you, I’ve found that the process and the considerations are strikingly similar in pursuing both true love and true calling. I bring a unique perspective and extensive experience in both since I began as a relationship coach and then moved into career and business startup coaching.
Really big decisions are truly about self-honor. Deep within you know where you’ve been untruthful to yourself.
I’m writing about this now because I want to help you make the decision you’ve been afraid to make. If your relationship in love or career is lifeless you can see your optimal way out or see an honorable way to stay that brings you alive once more.
From direct experience, I can tell you that opening your heart to the truth of your deepest desires is really your only choice. Vulnerability starts as a gut check choice and evolves into a regular practice that feels wonderfully enlivening because it puts you in the rarefied company of those who decide to go for it.
Allow these stirring words from Teddy Roosevelt to be your rallying cry.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Soon you’ll be able to register for an online event to make the right decision for you. In the meantime know this. It’s more than possible to see an optimal decision that you can’t yet see. And you don’t have to get ready or wait for the right time because if you’re living less of a life than you can live – your time to embrace more is now.
You’ll make a sustainable fresh start in 2017 if you accept as truth and embrace what I’m about to share.
There are no accidents, coincidences, lucky breaks or right timing.
There is only what you’ve already experienced and how you respond to repeat experiences. Repeat experiences are either the past attempting to hijack your present (guided by your limited beliefs) or Life giving you an opportunity for a fresh start. The choice is yours.
The Universe has no choice but to persistently deliver repetitive experiences (disguised in new wrappings) in an effort to get you to embrace what you’ve previously resisted and run from.
Once you understand this and really get that every experience, good, bad and ugly is truly an opportunity for you to choose something radically different from what you’ve already chosen, be it consciously or subconsciously.
Everything that occurs in your life is relevant, valid and absolutely required to give you the opportunity to embrace it so that it will no longer repeat itself.
Thus everything that happens to you is an intelligent and intentional experience that’s been specially designed for you.
“Appreciation is to lovingly make more of something by seeing and acknowledging the value of it through unconditional felt-attention.” ~ Michael Brown
Brown’s saying that whatever appears it’s necessary for you to look at it, and feel the energy of it, while not judging or resisting it in order to change it.
The New Year is an ideal time to make this big, new difference in your life and business because it’s aligned with fresh start energy and new beginnings.
Have you found yourself repeatedly asking these types of negative questions about your life
Why am I like that?
Why do I repeatedly get the same results no matter what I try?
What’s wrong with me?
Stop asking these types of negative questions immediately. They are a fruitless search.
These questions make the false promise that if you could just understand yourself better then you could fix what’s holding you back or tripping you up.
Seeking self-understanding for negative characteristics doesn’t work because your challenges go deeper than understanding. Understanding implies that you’re facing a mental challenge that can be solved by your mind.
But there are three good reasons why your mind doesn’t cooperate.
Your mind wants to protect the status quo and will resist any suggested change.
Your mind isn’t capable of emotional processing because it thinks; it does not feel.
Cognitive processing can only come up with solutions based on your past experience and if you knew the solution you would have already chosen it.
The root of your frustration and discomfort is emotional instability and the only way to enjoy emotional balance is the direct experience of feeling what you’ve been trying not to feel.
Pain, discomfort and fear are gifts signaling you to simply be so that the feelings can actually be felt. In fact, these gifts are required so that you can wake up to the necessity of feeling what you’ve been avoiding.
Once you routinely start to feel whatever is coming up for you’ll find that the mental stories and the frustration of asking negative questions begin to fall away replaced by empowering feelings of peace and well-being.
Your inner child is calling the shots when you feel like life sucks and then you die.
I don’t know who coined this hopeless viewpoint but I suspect it was the same guy who first answered the how you doing question with same old, same old.
Yesterday I experienced one of those slow and dark days. I tried coffee, a nap, meditation and feeling my feelings but nothing worked to pull me out of my funk.
What finally worked was for me to have a session with Little Tommy. For me to feel as down as I felt I knew he must have been going through a very tough time.
I don’t know if you’ve ever tried reassuring your little guy or gal within but if you aren’t you’re missing out on one of life’s most illuminating and freeing experiences.
Inner child work recognizes that the drama and emotional pain we experience as adults are triggered by the conditional imprinting we got slammed with as kids. Until you do the work to bring up and feel those emotions, Little Meg or Little Billy will remain in power calling the shots of your life.
This connection is what victims just don’t get. Random misery is how they experience life when they don’t accept responsibility for everything that personally occurs.
No wonder life seems so unfair to them. When you’re in the habit of blaming others for your misery you are powerless to do something about it. These same folks dig themselves an even deeper hole by attempting to sedate or control their uncomfortable feelings.
Until I really got this I used distractions and substances of every sort just so I would not have to feel the darker moments of the human experience. But the only way out of this self-created mess is to go in and give your inner child what she never got as a child. Sure you’ll cry a lot but what wonderful tears they are.
For most of us, it’s just recognition that we crave. If you want to give yourself this gift then ask your little gal or guy this question. What do you want that you never got growing up? Then let her know that you’re strong and big now and she’ll never be emotionally lacking again.
I pulled out of my temporary funk by loving Little Tommy without condition. When the fear and anger surfaced we held onto each other and felt it fully. I then thanked him for hanging in there and knowing that optimism is a choice.